I walked in the door after a short day hike on Guanella pass Sunday, to see this on my TV.

 I have dear friends (more like family) who live in Castlerock, so I bit a few more nails than usual, watching this hungry monster close in on a little tiny home.  I bit my nails even harder, and the screen went black.

AAAAAK!

AAAAAK!

AAAAAK!

Then the monotone began.       There.    Is.     A.     Tornado…..

 I actually screamed at the TV.

 My friends are fine.  It wasn’t an incredibly destructive tornado. 

 Life is good.

…but I’ve made a very important decision.

Walken in ‘08.  We really do need more cowbell.

Download Listener Cowbell Joke
http://www.walken2008.com/pressrelease.html 

And a President who can dance!

YouTube video

Saturday night, Gypsy House cafe.  Here’s a Tribal Fusion dancer in a steampunk gown and veil:

Sunday, Guanella Pass.  Square Top Lakes trail area.  It’s getting so I have to budget for a half-day of mountains.  I used to splurge on deeper back country stuff, but the increased cost and time constraints contribute to wilderness fixes gotten closer to town.  There are some great ones, though.   Guanella Pass rocks!

And, of course, the unavoidable aren’t-my-kids-cute shot:

Gunnivere, the Grumpy and Gorgeous. 

…because a white German Shepherd Supermodel Princess dog hates hipscarves even more than an obese feline with a self-entitlement complex does…

The downside of being a person who writes everything down is that you end up with scraps of paper and half done lists everywhere…in your wallet, your pockets, the dashboard of your car, your nightstand, and so on. Sooner or later you lose an important note or double book yourself because you forgot to check all eight appointment books (an exaggeration to prove a point…I’ve never had eight appointment books) or send one of your best ideas through the washing machine because you left the scrap of paper in your jeans. Having had just about all these things happen to me in the last couple months, I thought maybe it was time to step tentatively into the 21st Century and get me one of them new-fangled gadgets called a PDA – Personal Digital Assistant, better known as the Palm Pilot.

I asked my friend Dan (who is my resident “Oh you need something? I got a guy”guy) to see if he could swing me a deal through one of his connections. Before I fully adjusted to the idea, he showed up at my office door with a mostly new Palm Pilot in his hands for little old me. (Incidentally, this was very swell of him and I sure appreciate it a lot. Most of my money is tied up in diapers right now so it’s not often I decide to get a non-essential item and actually follow through with it…thanks Dan!)

Before I go any further, let me say that I fully acknowledge that the Palm Pilot is basically the 21st Century equivalent of the pocket protector. Sure it’s electronic and it beeps and has a little screen on it and everyone seems to have them now…but for me nothing sets off the geek alarm faster than a grown person who’s more attached to some little tech gizmo than my four-year old is to his trusty blankie. That said, I think I’m at the point in my life now where I’m secure enough to make the leap. Plus, I don’t ever expect to be so attached to the damn thing that I pull it out at dinner or in a bar or something…so maybe that’ll keep my geek reading low…or at least not much higher than it already is.

In the week I’ve had the thing, I’ve figured out how to handle your basic “make appointments, make to do lists, and save contact information” functions without too much trouble. I’m sure I’ll probably never figure out everything you can do with a Palm Pilot, but you know, I’m okay with that. As long as it keeps track of the stuff I want it to keep track of I’m not too worried about the add-on software that allows your Palm to make you waffles every morning or rotate your tires or whatever. Besides, I’m sure my man Dan “has a guy” who can do those things for me anyway.

During the same week in which I made the leap into “Palm World” (which sounds sorta like a new reality show or something doesn’t it? Probably something on the Fox Network if I had to guess….) I heard a news story about wireless internet access in, of all places, 3 Com Park, which is where the San Francisco Giants play baseball. The premise is interesting in one of those quasi-Orwellian you-can’t-stop-progress kind of ways and I imagine in the near future it’ll seem normal to us that half of the fans at a baseball game are surfing the web despite plunking down seventy-five bucks a ticket to sit five rows off the field. Granted, baseball can be kind of slow at times so if this idea is going to catch on in any professional sports stadium, baseball seems the best candidate.

So anyway…I’m thinking about wireless internet at baseball games, and lap-top computers, and portable DVD players, and cell phones, and Palm Pilots, and twenty-four hour bank machines, and twenty-four hour grocery stores, and exercise clubs that are open every day of the year and all of a sudden I just feel sort of overwhelmed by it all. Like many of the things I just mentioned, they are probably meant to make life more convenient for us, but in fact all they really do is make us all busier.

I have a friend who lived in Europe for a while and said that while he loved being there, he grew increasingly frustrated with pubs that closed at 11 p.m., and banks that weren’t open past 4 p.m., and grocery stores that closed at 8 p.m. I asked him why, and he said, “Because I don’t want to have to re-adjust my life to do any of these things, I want to be able to do them whenever I want to. When it’s convenient for me”.

And I agree, he’s got a point there. Albeit a very American sort of point…but sometimes it seems to me like life is already too busy and too complicated as it is. How did we ever manage to live without all these things that supposedly make our lives simpler and more enjoyable? Cell phones, answering machines, 400 TV channels, bank machines, TiVo and so on and so on. I think the answer is that we did just fine. And we probably all lived a little bit slower, and with less distraction, less things pulling us in so many different directions. Or maybe we, as people, have always found a way to fill that available time…just as we continue to fill it, and overfill it, even today as we all face the challenge of having less and less of it to fill.

But maybe, just maybe, when we didn’t have so many gadgets filling up our lives, maybe we had a little more time for each other, for our neighbors, for our communities, for our families and for our friends. A little more time to relax and watch the world go by and being okay with that sometimes. Knowing that the world would be waiting whenever we wanted to jump back in.

I’ve been accused of being nostalgic, of being a sentimentalist on more than one occasion. And along with my tendency to make lists, I’m pretty much okay with that too. I know I’m not going to stop the great march forward and I’m not even saying that I necessarily want to. I guess I’m just hoping that we all remember gadgets and gizmos are just that, gadgets and gizmos. Wires and circuits and buttons and whatever else makes them up. They’re definitely a part of life these days. But they’re not life itself, and they aren’t a substitute for shaking someone’s hand, or kissing your children, or hugging an old friend you haven’t seen in a long time. There is no substitute for any of those things. And if we ever try to create a substitute for them, that’ll be the first signal that the human race really has drifted off course.

Shake a hand, kiss your kids, hug a friend. I think I’ll add those 3 things to my latest to-do list. All I have to do is enter them in my Palm Pilot.

A while ago, Alan Roach, the “Voice of Coors Field” for 12 years decided to step down as the Rockies Public Address announcer. The Rockies posted the opening on their website and encouraged anyone and everyone to send in a demo and a resume.

On a lark, I did. And it turns out I made the Top 20 out of the original 260 plus applicants. I think my wife Anne summarized it best when she said, “Really? They called YOU? Boy I never would’ve expected that….” Hmmm….

On a Monday night, 18 finalists for the “Voice of Coors Field” gathered at the Sports Column on Blake Street for a pseudo American Idol style elimination contest.

Before we get much further let me just clarify one thing: No. I wasn’t going to leave my post at 99.5 The Mountain if I got the Coors Field gig. For one thing, I love the Mountain too much to leave and for another, the Coors Field Announcer gig carries a certain amount of resume weight and prestige, but you’d be surprised how teeny tiny the pay is. Put it this way, the announcer gets paid just about enough to take a few friends to the ballpark and buy them a few Rocky Dogs and a few beers, but that’s about it. It’s a really cool part-time job…..but a part-time job none the less.

The first thing that surprised me about showing up at the Sports Column on Monday night is that there were A LOT of people there! I’m sure most were friends and family of the finalists, but still. For a Monday night there was a good crowd. And a bunch of different media outlets. Over the course of the evening I think I got interviewed by at least 3 TV stations and 3 radio stations. I don’t think any of my TV interviews ran….which I think has something to do with the “he’s got a face made for radio” deal. But I’m good with that. As for radio interviews, I don’t know. I only listen to the Mountain.

Once the Rockies folks gathered all the finalists together the thing that struck me is that I was in a small room with 18 guys who all had GIGANTIC VOICES. Every time someone said something I kept expecting to look over my shoulder and see the burning bush. It was like the voice of God…times 18.

To put it another way, let’s use this analogy. The average man has about a size 10 foot. So let’s say by extension, the average man has about a size 10 voice as well.

On a really good day, I might give myself about a 12 and a half.

Alan Roach? He’s about a size 47. Most of the finalists? I’d say about 20 plus. And the thing that struck me as funny is that I got the feeling a lot of spoke like announcers even at home. Like “Heeyyyyyyyyyyy HONEY! Can you PLEASE PAAAAAAAAASSSSS THE KETCHUP!!!”

Okay, so that isn’t really my style….but like I said, I applied on a lark. I was just there to have fun.

For the first part of the contest, each contestant got a script about a minute before going on stage and the goal was to deliver the script in as close to 30 seconds as possible. Turns out the “script” wasn’t a script but a chance for everyone to introduce themselves and say why they thought they should be the next voice of Coors Field.

Now, given what I do for a living….30 seconds of ad libbing is about as difficult as falling out of bed for me. I have no earthly idea what I said exactly but I think I got a laugh or two and hit the 30 seconds on the nose. As a wise man once told me, “What I lack in content I make up for in brevity.” That’s my philosophy too.

It seems like quite a few of the contestants were really nervous, not that that should count against them, and ultimately I don’t think it did. The really weird part is that introducing yourself to a crowd is a very conversational kind of thing. And it’s hard to be conversational when you’re trying to use your GIGANTIC announcer voice.

I didn’t really know what the judges were looking for, but I figured I had a pretty good shot of making that cut. And I did. So there I was….stumbling ass backward into the final 10.

For the second part of the contest, each of the 10 finalists were given 4 pages of scripts that we had a few minutes to look over before delivering them to the crowd at the Sports Column.

These “scripts” were pretty much exactly what you’ve heard at every public sporting event in your life: “Now batting…number 14……please stand and join Barney Rubble in singing our National Anthem……” etc etc.

Now, this is where my day job made things tricky. Everything I do on the Mountain is based on NOT reading from a piece of paper. It’s about taking the info you want to get across and delivering it in your own voice and your own style.

When I was listening to the first few contestants from the green room I thought two things: “Wow…that guy has a huge voice.” And, “Wow..that guy really sounds like Alan Roach.” And, “Wow..he’s reading that script word for word for word.”

So, I figured I couldn’t do Alan Roach better than Alan himself (who was a judge by the way) and I wasn’t going to out announce any of these other guys so I went with an approach that was a bit more conversational (still with dulcet tones, of course) and a little less “SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY!” announcer-ish.

It was a bit of a gamble, but I felt like if I had made the Top 3 it would’ve been much more representative of the way I would’ve done the job.

My 3rd script was about “Family Discount Night at Coors Field” so I wrote in a one line opening joke into the script. “Folks, even if you didn’t major in Economics in college, you don’t have to be Alan Greenspan to know that you can’t get much for $50 bucks these days….unless of course you’re at family night at Coors Field!”

Anne said a couple of the judges started cracking up on the spot…and a couple of them looked like they started scowling and red penning.

Whatever. You can only do it the way it feels right to you, you know?

In any event, whether it was the ad-lib, or not having the GIGANTIC voice, or not wearing the right shirt, I didn’t end up making the Final 3.

Yet another dream dashed on the rocks of cold, hard reality.
(I’m still holding out hope that that dream of playing Twister with Penelope Cruz and Salma Hayak will eventually come true. Please don’t burst my bubble.)

My friend Rick called me after the event to find out how I did. He said, “Hey, man. I’m sorry you didn’t make the final 3 but I did some math for you. For you to cover 81 home Rockies games over 6 months you would’ve made about 12k dollars….and Anne would’ve been stuck with the kids solo for another 81 days. So I figure that 12k would’ve just ended up being part of a divorce settlement anyway.”

Rick. He’s smart. That’s why he’s retired at 43.

I think the guys who made the Final 3 were good picks on the part of the judges and given the overall level of talent in the group, I’d say there were another 2 or 3 guys who were right on the cusp and could’ve easily made the Top 3 as well.

My nephews Bryan and Jeremy think there was a conspiracy afoot and they’ve suggested that I start a one-man protest outside of Coors Field immediately. I’m considering it, but pacing gives me calluses….so that may not work out.

I’m kidding. It was fun to have a shot and I wish the 3 finalists the best of luck.

Since it was past his bedtime, my 6 year-old Evan couldn’t join us at the Sports Column on Monday. Evan woke up on Tuesday and asked me if I won. When I told him that I didn’t he said, “Well, at least you can coach my baseball team this summer. Here, I got you a Spider Man sticker for making the Top 10.”

Now how you gonna beat that?

They quote me…but say that I’m not that poetic. Sure I am…I just don’t waste my poetry on reporters, you know?

Thanks for the encouragement and support. Gooooooooo Rockies!

1. If anyone ever asks you your favorite Van Morrison song steer clear of the obvious answers….Tupelo Honey, Moondance, Crazy Love, etc. Instead say “I Wanna Roo You (Scottish Derivative)”. (It’s on the Tupelo Honey album) First, it’s a great conversation starter, and second, it makes you look really music savvy.

That’s actually how I got this job…..heh heh….suckers…..

2. My daughter Lily has a wooden dog on a string that she pulls around with her. Every night before she goes to bed she asks me to tie the wooden dog to the ladder on her bunk bed so the dog doesn’t run away. In a nutshell, this is what I love about kids.

3. Earlier this week, I had a “morning” that went something like this:
2:30a- Lily “Daddy…..is my doggie still there?” Daddy: “Yes, go to sleep”.
3:40a- Lily “Daddy…..I need a princess band aid for my boo-boo. Daddy: (Reluctantly) “Here’s your band aid….now go to sleep.”
4:25 a- Lily “Daddy….I’m soooooooo firsty (thirsty) I need some water…” Daddy: “The water has been shut off, honey. Daddy is in radio. Now GO TO SLEEP!”
5:35 a- Lily “Enya, Enya (she calls her brother Evan “Enya” for some reason…) ARE YOU AWAKE? ARE YOU AWAKE YET???”. Daddy: “EVERYONE is asleep, Lil….everyone except you……now please, go to sleep!”
Someone asked me last week how I’d feel when my daughters were teenagers and started bringing boys home. For Jo, it’s too early to say….for Lily….anyone boy she brings home will get a firm handshake….the only thing I’ll say is “Good luck, son….good luck.”
side note: if you think Lily is cute (she is), maybe you should have her stay at YOUR house for a few nights.

4. In the 15 plus years since I moved out of my parents house, I’ve probably spoken to my Dad on the phone about 11 million times……in 22 second increments. In the whole time I lived in his house I don’t think he ever mentioned the weather once. In the last 15 years that’s all he wants to talk about. “How’s the weather out there? Did you get any rain yet? Hasn’t gotten above 30 here all week. Okay….here’s your Mom.”
Is that a Dad thing? Is this something I’m going to do to my kids in 25 years?

Thank you for your attention to these less than pressing matters…more later-

 Last weekend, I had to hit this event.  The kitch was so thick you could slice it with a Bakelite-handled butter knife.  Velvet Elvis, Airstream  trailers, and Live! Hula Grrrls-

…for a blog is a fat cat in a hip scarf.

I am not above this: