With Prince William and Kate Middleton’s wedding just months away — an English condom company wants to make sure they don’t add to the royal family too soon … with condoms fit for a king.

The joke condoms aren’t affiliated with the royal family — but that doesn’t make the website’s description any less hilarious … “Combining the strength of a Prince with the yielding sensitivity of a Princess-to-be, Crown Jewels condoms promise a royal union of pleasure.”

But don’t sheath your sword just yet — there’s a disclaimer at the bottom of the site that reads, “Crown Jewels Royal Wedding Souvenir Condoms are a novelty condom not suitable for contraception or protection against STDs.”

Thanks for the heads up.

(Newser) – The government of Malawi is about to enact a law making it illegal to “foul the air” in public, the Daily Mail reports. Yes, farting will be one of many behaviors outlawed by new legislation that will set up “Local Courts” around the country. These courts will be able to punish such serious violations as impersonating a fortune teller, insulting the modesty of a woman, challenging someone to a duel, or trespassing on a burial place.

The law is supposed to “mold responsible and disciplined citizens.” But many in the country are skeptical. “My goodness. What happens in a public place where a group is gathered?” asked one Malawian. “Do they lock up half a minibus? And how about at meetings where it is difficult to pinpoint ‘culprits’?” May we suggest the time-honored “he who smelt it” method? 

Mike’s Thoughts:  Not to put too fine a point on things, but if there were any Malawian officers of the law in the Mountain studio this morning, I’d be getting locked up for a looooooong time.  It’s like I ate nothing but eggs and jalapeno poppers all weekend or something.

(Premier Radio)

RECORDS THAT WON’T BE BROKEN AT THIS YEAR’S SUPER BOWL

We’re now a week away from the Super Bowl, so brace yourself for the hype.

As with other years, there’s a chance that the actual game will get lost in the shuffle.

With that in mind, here are a few records that will probably NOT be broken during this year’s Super Bowl between the Packers and Steelers.

• Most Points Scored in the Game by Both Teams: 75 – The league’s number one and number two defenses are playing in this game. And, Vegas has set the points total at an over/under of 45.

• Most Total Yards from Scrimmage by One Team: 602 – Again, the strong defenses might stop the two offenses from having 600 yards … combined.

• Largest Margin of Victory: 45 Points – These are very evenly matched, motivated and well-coached teams. The odds of this being a blowout are highly unlikely.

• Most Interceptions Thrown by a QB in a Single Game: 5 – Both quarterbacks are great players at the peak of their powers. Neither of them is ever that sloppy.

• (Newser) – The seahorse is one of the more unusual-looking creatures in the oceans, and now scientists say they’ve unlocked the secret to the curvy shape—it’s all about hunting. Seahorses feed by waiting for their prey to swim by, then striking; their curved neck gives them more range to their attacks. “It’s subtle, but small changes like this drive evolution,” says the accompanying video to the story in Discover Magazine.

Scientists made their discovery by analyzing videos and making mathematical models of feeding seahorses. The seahorse evolved from pipefish, long, straight fish that swim while feeding. The seahorse, however, is fairly stationary, letting the tiny (and no doubt yummy) crustaceans come to it. “Once this shift in foraging behavior is made, natural selection will favor animals that can increase the strike distance,” says one researcher.

Mike’s Thoughts:  Science still has no explanation for why the Kardashian sisters are so curvy.  Genetics and liposuction are thought to be factors, however.

(NEWSER) – The indigenous Sami peoples in the Arctic have found a way to help reindeer survive the ravages of climate change—but we’re guessing the deer don’t like it too much. Fluctuating temperatures have been a challenge for the reindeer, because melting snow often refreezes and forms ice over the pastures they feed on. Sami researchers have found that castrating male reindeer allows them to more easily break the ice, in part because they keep their antlers later into winter.

It also makes the males more likely to share their food with calves that would otherwise starve to death. “To make herds more resilient in the future, we need to relearn the traditional knowledge of castration,” one professor tellsReuters. Specifically, they’re aiming for “half-castration,” which renders animals sterile, but able to produce testosterone. In Norway, where the law forbids castration without anesthetics, researchers are experimenting with an injection that could mimic the effects.

Mike’s Thoughts:  Ok, so they CAN survive.  The question is do they really WANT to survive?  And incidentally, who was the first guy who thought of this little “reindeer procedure”?  I bet the reindeer aren’t too happy with him.

(NEWSER) – The drama over Taco Bell’s meat-or-not just keeps getting better and better.

The first number that was bandied about was 36%.  That’s how much actual beef was in taco bell’s meat fixin’.

Now, afterissuing a statement arguing that its meat was, in fact, meat, it has released another statement that attaches a number to that proclamation: “Our seasoned beef recipe contains 88% quality USDA-inspected beef.” And that approach is just like mom’s! Writes President Greg Creed, “When you make chili, meatloaf or meatballs, you add your own recipe of seasoning and spices to give the beef flavor and texture, otherwise, it would taste just like unseasoned ground beef.”

And he breaks down the remaining 12%, notes theConsumerist: 3%-5% each of water, spices, and “other ingredients” like oats, starch, and sugar. Click for more fast-food-ingredient drama—did you know McDonald’s Fruit and Maple Oatmeal contains no maple?

Mike’s Thoughts:  I don’t know about you but I feel 52% better already.  Bring on the chalupas!

(NEWSER) – Just when you finally stopped feeling insecure about your not-as-sexy-as-Michelle-Obama arms, along comes Kate Middleton to make you feel bad about your … knees?! Yep, at least according to a Telegraphpiece from last week, the Boston Globe reports. Middleton is constantly flaunting her excellent knees, and at least one personal trainer reports that he hears from lots of people who worry their knees are too fat.

But fear not! You have options, which the Globeconveniently rounds up for you: “If you shape the muscles around the knees that helps shape the knees,” he says. But what if your knees are just plain saggy? There’s not much to do other than what Demi Moore reportedly did, according to a 2006 Daily Mail story: Get a knee lift. If all else fails, at least remember to exfoliate and, if possible, conceal: MAC Cosmetics makes a foundation which, theGlobe claims, can be applied to the knees.

Mike’s Thoughts:  If you’re seriously worried about how fat your KNEES are then clearly you don’t have enough stuff to worry about or perhaps the rest of you is already too perfect to begin with.  Knees?  C’mon.  Get over yourself.

AWESOME SUPER BOWL ODDS

While the Green Bay Packers remain a three-point favorite over the Pittsburgh Steelers in Super Bowl 45, here are some more interesting betting lines that have been released by Bodog.com:

How long will it take Christina Aguilera to sing the national anthem?

• The Over/Under is 1 minute 50 seconds.

Will Christina Aguilera wear a cowboy hat while singing the National Anthem?           

• Yes 3/1

What will Fergie be wearing when she appears first on stage during the Super Bowl halftime show?

• Skirt/Dress – 1/1
• Pants (Below Knees) – 1/1
• Shorts (Above Knees) – 7/2
• Thong/G-String/Bikini Bottom – 10/1

How Many Times will FOX show Jerry Jones on TV during the Game?

• The Over/Under is 3

What Color will the Gatorade be that is dumped on the Head Coach of the Winning Super Bowl Team?

• Yellow – 3/2
• Clear/Water – 2/1
• Orange – 5/2
• Lime Green – 5/1
• Red – 15/2
• Blue – 10/1

(NEWSER) – Here’s a contender for sportsman of the year—even though it’s still January and this guy isn’t in sports anymore. Kansas City Royals pitcher Gil Meche is walking away from a guaranteed $12 million paycheck, opting to retire because he doesn’t think he’d earn the money, reports the New York Times. Meche’s production began tailing off in 2009 and worsened last season. Still, he had another year of big money left on his contract, which he would have collected with, at most, light bullpen duty.

“This isn’t about being a hero—that’s not even close to what it’s about,” says Meche. “It’s just me getting back to a point in my life where I’m comfortable. Making that amount of money from a team that’s already given me over $40 million for my life and for my kids, it just wasn’t the right thing to do.” Writes Phil Rogers in the Chicago Tribune: “What a refreshingly noble concept.”

Mike’s Thoughts:  I coach 10 year olds (son’s team) in both basketball and baseball and I spend a lot of time every single season talking about “respecting the game” and “playing the game the right way”.

What I’ve found over the years is that it’s awfully difficult to convince kids that this sort of thing is important when it’s so easy for them to look around and see professional athletes (their idols) doing the wrong things, both on the field/court and in their personal lives.

As a parent and a coach I would like to extend my personal thanks to Gil Meche not only for making my job easier but for having the guts to put honor above a quick and easy payday.

(NEWSER) – Rep. Dennis Kucinich cracked his tooth on an errant olive pit in April 2008, and he’s not happy about it. The Ohio Democrat is now, almost three years later, suing the congressional cafeteria where he bought the sandwich that included the unpitted olive,Gawker reports, citing official documents fromCourthouse News. In the paperwork, Kucinich claims the “sandwich wrap” he purchased at the Longworth House Office Building was “unwholesome and unfit for human consumption.” The price tag for his “serious and permanent dental and oral injuries:” $150,000.

Mike’s Thoughts: 

1.  Mr. Kucinich- I assume you have a team of advisors?  You should fire them all right now.  Because if no one stepped up to tell you that this was a bad idea you’d be better off taking advice from my 5 year old.

2.  “Unwholesome and unfit for human consumption”???  Oh, come on.  It’ s not like they served you radio-active waste or fecal matter or something.  It’s a damn olive pit. 

3.  I might even grant you that you’d have a fair claim to repair whatever damage was done to your dental work but $150,000???  Isn’t that a wee bit extreme?  Did you break every single one of your teeth on the olive pit?  Are your teeth made out of Google stock or something?  Fix the tooth.  (2 grand I’m guessing.) And QUIETLY see if the place that sold you the sandwich is willing to re-imburse you for that cost.

Oh, and while you’re at it.  Maybe try to get outdoors from time to time.  You have the skin tone of a character from Twilight.